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June 14, 2011

Telling it like it is.

Why I'm a felon.

Okay, so I figure I've shown you all my good side, my mature side, my responsible side.  Now, would you like to hear what I did before I became the model citizen you see here?

I knew you would.

Let's set the scene to the Sunday after Thanksgiving circa 1999.  I remember the day well, luckily for my younger, she does not.  I was driving south on the ole I-5, doing about 71 mph in a 60, when I zoomed past a couple of troopers, just waiting for some dumbass to speed on by.  Hi, my name is Dumbass.  Next thing I know, lights are flashing red, blue, red, blue, in my rearview, and I do what any person does in this case.  I pulled over.
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Now let's back the story up quite a few years to when I was 18, circa 1991.  I was given a car, with the strict instructions to get my license and all that responsible stuff.  I tried.  Five times I tried to pass that damn written test.  Tried and failed, tried and failed and then, just failed to try anymore.  Why did I need a license anyways???  I already knew how to drive the car, better than most people I knew in fact.  It's because we have a good driving gene in our dna pool.  So from that day on, I became "that person"  the one that drives around with no license, no insurance and a magnet in every car I drove, that would draw the police right to me.  Even without any violation, I for some reason would look suspicious enough for a cop to just randomly run my plates and nab me.  One would think that having that many tickets and missed court dates and yes, a few jail stints, would put me back at the DOL to take that violently hated written test again.  It did not.  It was just easier to label myself as a failure, and do what I thought was my best, to be a good person in spite of this failure.
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Back to 1999 and me pulled over on the side of the road, waiting for Mr. Joe Cop, to come and ask me "if I know why I've been pulled over", when my sweet little five year old asks from the back seat, "Are you going to jail, Momma?", unfortunately both my kids had seen this happen once or twice before, like I said, I wasn't always this awesome.  So, right as Joe Cop is at my back bumper, I exclaim to her, "not today babydoll" and threw my car into drive and Thelma and Louised it to the nearest exit, then took the local city, county and state police on a semi-slow speed chase, reaching speeds of a whopping 35 as my max speed.  I was also kind enough to stop a stop signs and treat red lights as four way stops.  I was completely lost, in a city I didn't know, with a five year old in my backseat and a growing number of police cars behind me.  After ten minutes and 7 miles, I was at the end of the road, literally.  I had chosen a road that led to a driveway gate, that had three giant rottweilers on the other side, just daring me to try and run some more.

Needless to say, I was removed from my car, at gun point.  My daughter was taken to the police station, my aunt was called to retrieve her and I went to jail, then went to court, lost my "never had it in the first place" license and was convicted of Felony attempt to elude.

I thought I had had a nervous breakdown.  I went and saw a therapist immediately, I mean, I was a dumbass and all, but nothing like this.  She told me it was a fight or flight thing, and that given my history with Johnny Law, that statistically, I was bound to try and fly at some point.  Try being a keyword, failing being another.

I am happy to report though, that I am a fully licensed driver, with insurance and a kid that knows to take her ticket, if ever faced with the same dilemma as her mom.  Although, I'm still a cop magnet and still completely unable to talk myself out of a ticket.  Which reminds me, I need to send in my most recent ticket to litigation.

So, I guess my moral to the story is;  when you get pulled over and you pull your car over, just take the ticket. What?!  You already knew that? Damn!

Have a sweet day!
Marisa aka Former Outlaw


  1. lol. funny story you criminal! lol.
    nice visiting me likey!

  2. maybe your antics brought a bright spot to their know they went back to the station and had a good laugh with all the others. <3<3<3 ;D


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