Back to basics.

When I started this blog a couple years ago, my goal was to have an outlet to express my happiness, anxiety, rants and miscellaneous other stuff.  Over the last year, I have let it dwindle away to nothing. at first because of the accident and having a new young 'en to take care of, then after awhile, NOT blogging became as much of a habit as blogging had become.  

So here we are, dear Blogger, back to basics.  

I don't expect that I have anyone out there, besides my amazing Grams that still looks for my posts, but that doesn't bother me, because I'm gonna post anyways.  

My life has changes immensely over the last year.  Some really good, some not really good at all, and some....well some is just plain fucked up.  Sorry for the language, but I swear sometimes, and well, it makes me feel better.  

We'll get to all of it, the good, the bad AND the fucked all in due time.  For now, let's just start with the good, the best, the happiest.

I am going to be a grandma.  My oldest daughter and her husband are expecting their first child on Christmas Eve.  That's right, another December baby.  The day after my mom's birthday and the day before Jesus's.  I'm kind of  hoping for a week late baby, a new years baby perhaps.  She has found out that it's going to be a boy, which makes The Mr. ecstatic, since it will start to shift the gender scale to his favor a bit.  I like it, because playing in the mud is fun.  Today is another ultrasound, since he was being a little shy last time and didn't let the ultrasound tech get good picture of his backside, because he was too busy flashing us his 'Full Monty.'  This bothers us NONE.  We're all too happy to see that precious little fetus again.  Daughter has had heartburn like crazy too, so were hoping for a full head of hair to go with his beautiful green eyes I imagine he'll have.

The belly with the bowtie on it, is my daughters belly.  She was taking pregnancy pictures with one of her friends.

I still have a hard time imagining that in a year, I'll have a little one to chase around again.  Babies are cute and everything, but the toddler stage, that's what I'm waiting for.  Babies can play in the mud or go snowmobiling with grandpa's.  

No, we're not at all excited for this. 

Gotta start getting ready, have a smashing day all, I'll post again soon.

A battle between my own toughts.

Well, Christmas is over, and it was a great day. I loved spending the day with both my girls.  I hate that they've gone and growed all up and stuff.   And they just keep growing up.  At midnight, on Christmas, D's bf, gave  her a ring and asked her to marry him.  

LE.SIGH!!!

I don't know how I feel about this.  Some of you may or may not know, that 'A', my oldest, got married young at nineteen, That marriage didn't work out to well, and she was with that boy for three years, only to have the marriage last about five months before the divorce was started.  She just got married again, last August, and although they love each other very much, they are having a rough beginning.  
Now by no means am I comparing my kids.  A.  I really try not to do that and 2.  They have been complete opposites, from the day they became sisters.  HOWEVER COMMA as their mother I know my kids, pretty damn well actually, and this is just a shock for me.  D has always been my...'Ugh, how can you be that in love with someone after only knowing them for three weeks' or 'I can't believe they're engaged, they've only been together for six months' kid, so when I found out that she was engaged to a boy that she has been with, for less than a year, it kind of felt like someone punched me in the throat, while ripping my heart out at the same time.  
Don't get me wrong.  I like the kids she's shacked up with, but I thought the ONE THING that I have seriously taught my kids through example was, waiting to get married.  I'm not saying wait as long as me and The Mr. did.  A sixteen year engagement can be a bit long, but hey, when I walked down that aisle, I knew I'd had plenty of time to back out.  And even though, she's promised me that this will be a looooong engagement, she also promised me that she'd stay home until she was at least nineteen, and that she'd never love a boy more than her mommy.  Yeah, I have separation issues, I know this.  And now, at eighteen she's shacked up and engaged to a boy she's only loved for about 8 months.  
I think the thing I hate about it all is...I get it.  I get her perspective.  I mean hell, me and The Mr. have been together since I was nineteen years old, and I've been 'into' him since I was seventeen, so I get that I sound like a total hypocrite.  But, I also know, that committing yourself to someone, at that young of an age, can be really rough. But then, any relationship, whether it's a marriage or a friendship, can be really rough.  
Ugh, I don't know.  
I do know that I raised smart kids, who can generally tell the difference between realistic love and fairy tale love, they did see their dad and I split up for two years, when we went through a reaaaally rough patch, so they know to always put their happiness and well being first, and that even though you love someone, it's okay to not be with them while you figure your own shit out.  I'm living proof that...what is meant to be, is really meant to be.  Hell, we all are.
I am happy about the fact that, the engagement isn't prompted because she's pregnant, which by the way is the first thing people ask me when I tell them my young daughter is getting married.  I tell them no, and they look at me as though I'm lying.  I hate it, I get it, but I hate it. 
Oh well, time to buck up and realize that I have great kids, and that I did a great job in raising them.  I mean, if I have faith that I taught them right, I have to have faith that they learned right.  Right???!!!  I'll just be neurotic about it for a week or two, then I'll snap out of it, like I always do.

Maybe 20 minutes on the elliptical will help clear my mind.

Or maybe a brownie will.  

Hell, it might just take both.

Thanks for listening.
See ya soon!

Merry MERRY Christmas

Merry Christmas to all of you out there.  I hope your day is filled with Fun, Family and Love.  If you find yourself getting down about something today, please remember....there's always someone worse off than you.  Take a minute to take stock of all the wonderful things in your life, and try not to spread negativity, it's a gift nobody wants, and almost everyone returns.
 


XOXOXO
See you all tomorrow.

A weekend full of T&A

Come hang out, read blogs and link up....Tell us what's up, Buttercups???



Whewwww, I made it through another milestone, and I even have my sanity left.  As some of you may know, my oldest, Lexi got married this weekend.  It was a beautiful outdoor wedding, complete with perfect weather, a stunning bride, a very handsome groom and some pretty badass food.  **not to toot my own horn or anything, but....beep beep.

The ceremony itself, was very sweet and slightly religious, since Tyler comes from a very devout family, which I'm sure tickled the hell out of Alexis' biodad and step mom, since they view me as the Anti-Christ.  This was also the first time I've seen both of them together, since Alexis came back to live with me when she was fifteen, and since the step mom wrote her a pretty rotten email a few weeks ago.  It was kind of hard for me to not kill them with death rays from my eyeballs, but it was my baby's special day, and Ithought such violence should be saved for another day.  The Mr. was there and was of course as handsome as ever, with his tucked in button up shirt and such.  I love it when he comes to events.  It helps prove that he is, in fact, a real boy, and not just a figment of my imagination that I made up to appease my loneliness.  

So instead of continuing to babble about it, how about I show ya some pics.....

The Mr. and me.  He cleans up good, don't he.  Hubba hubba!  PS.  Where are my lips???

This is Alexis, smiling during the opening prayer.  What a happy girl.

Sealed with a kiss.

The women of my family, well some of them.  My Grams, my mama, my baby, me and my baby baby.

Their wedding cake and cupcakes.

Licking the wedding cake off her face.

The new Mr. and Mrs.

The first dance.

And of course.  Kate and I, showing how and how not to act in public.

The weather was perfect, the ceremony was perfect and I believe the couple is perfect for each others.....

Have an awesome day!!!

It's just a day.

I've heard that phrase, so many times in the last two days, that I never want to hear it again.  I will try to make this post, somewhat short.  And by short,  you know I'll ramble on and on, right?  Well here goes my story, well, my daughter's story on why she didn't get to walk with her graduating class, but will get her diploma at the same time as all her other classmates.


Let me give you a bit of a back story as to why D had to work so hard this year, to graduate from high school.


When D was in 9th grade, the first year of HS here, she decided to go to the school that her paternal Great-Grandfather went to, we live in a place were she had 4 different HS's to pick from.  And for the next two years, she started failing classes for the first time ever.  Part of it was out of pure laziness, over doing homework, some of it was truly not understanding her work, and not getting the help she needed, 'my fault', and she just didn't really fit in there and hated being at a school where no one talked to her.  So, for her junior year, she did online schooling and did great. She didn't make up any credits, but she didn't fail any classes and she was understanding the work.  However, she missed the school setting, but didn't want to go back to her former school.


So then we found 'heaven' in a high school.  The same high school that I went too, that her dad, aunt, grandparents all graduated from.  From the second we met with the counselor there, we knew this was the place she was meant to graduate from.  We mapped out the whole years course plan for her, so that she would not only take all of her required senior classes, but that she could, if she worked hard, make up those  classes that she needed to graduate.  YAY! 


So for this entire year, that girl has busted her butt, to get things done.  She even broke up with her boyfriend of two years, because she felt he was a distraction and an anchor, to her future achievements.  Fast forward a wonderful school year, until about 6 weeks ago, when D sets a meeting up with her counselor to make sure everything is really going to happen.  This is when the counselor informs her that she has an entire elective credit to make up, that she'd previously overlooked, for the last 8 months.  So with six weeks left in school, she started on a class, at least they gave her the easiest class available.  However, while struggling to get that online class done, she started slacking off a bit in the rest of her classes.  All of her teachers understood, and could see how stressed she was now getting about graduation getting closer, and most of her teachers, help her out.  MOST of her teachers, there was one teacher, who not only did help her, but in fact, put her farther in the whole.  He was a week behind on grading her assessments, which are basically comparing two or more stories, however the teacher wants you too.  Let me also say, this teacher should be teaching a higher level of education.  I could barely understand his instructions of what he wanted.  Anyways, she can redo these assessments as many times as possible to get a good grade one them.  Well that's impossible to do if you don't know if you've even failed it or not.  So he finally catches up on her work, with a week left of school.  Meanwhile, she finished and passed all of her other classes, and now it's just this one.  So she hands in her assessments, and her teacher spends the next two days, sick at home, not grading her papers, not answering her emails, which at this point, were becoming stern, and frequent.  It's now the last Wednesday of school, and graduation is on Sunday, and her teacher is finally back and able to grade her things.  Unfortunately, two of the assessments she wrote were past the deadline, for seniors.  "Oh yeah, I keep forgetting you're a senior", she's in a junior class.  


So needless to say, my sweet little daughter, who worked her tail off this year, couldn't and wasn't allowed to make up any work in that class, due to new policy, and was four percent away from passing his class.


I felt this was grossly unfair, and went down on Friday to talk to, well whoever I had to talk to, to make sure that my daughter was going to walk on Sunday.  And I wish I could say that I was able to fight tooth and nail to get her there, but, there was nothing the principal could do, and the teacher I needed to talk to, of course had to leave immediately after school.  


So yesterday, I accompanied my daughter, to her graduation ceremony, so that she could see her fellow classmen walk.  She even brought her cap and gown, so that she could take pictures with her friends.

D and her Friend T.  Those are tears of both, joy for him and sadness for her, in her eyes.

And when she get's her diploma, I'm going to take a picture of her to photoshop into this one.

Well that's my ramble for the day.  I wish that we could see the graduation ceremony walk as, 'just a day' and yes we know that it's the diploma that really matters, and the hard work that she put forth to get it.  But, we can't help but feel a bit robbed out of an experience, that we wanted and worked for.  And that it was never viewed as, 'just a day', to us.


See ya tomorrow kids.

Sweet sixteen and still hurting.

Today is my sons birthday.  He's a sweet sixteener and he's never been kissed, at least not by someone that wasn't related to him anyways.  

My baby boy, just a couple weeks old, died from SIDS at two months and 26 days old.  He's missed everyday by his family, and will be forever.

When he died people filled my head with heartfelt cliche's like, "it'll get easier" and "give it some time" and although those words helped light up my darkness, I can honestly say.


It doesn't always get easier, no matter how much time goes by.


Maybe they were talking about the fact that it would get easier to talk about him, or what happened to him, because it is.  But what's not easier, is seeing the pain in someone's eyes when I do tell them, the sorrow they feel for me or even the guilt they may feel, because they have sons that are still alive.


I told my younger, who by the way is still pretty bitter about our loss, that today is not a day to be mad that he's not here, today is the day we're happy that we even got him in the first place.  


Easy words to say, not so easy to feel.


But I will smile and go on, I mean, what choice do I have?  Plus, I have some of the most amazing people in my life, everyday, that keep me smiling.

We're going to his grave today, I'm baking him a cake, we're bringing him flowers, he'll feel our love and we'll feel his protection.


Maybe things are easier after all.

The last first day of school.

Yesterday was my baby's last, first day of high school.  The last year of forced education.  The last time I get to see her fade into the 100 hall of school life.


Excuse me while I go die.




Nobody panic, false alarm.

Look at that first day pose.  It's not fair she's this old already.

It was an especially nervous day for us because, 
A.  She's a senior this year, so it's do or die for making up core credits, and
2.   It a brand new school for her this year and she only knows one person there, so there's the added pressure to make new, good friends.


I have no doubts that she'll shine.  I mean, I raised her.  


So if you'll excuse me I'm gonna go cry for an hour.


Marisa.

Nitro for breakfast anyone?

Nitromethane: The fuel used to make a kick-ass car go 300+ mph.


This weekend was our annual, Feel the Rumble, weekend.  The Mister, the children (with bf's in tow) and the father-in-law, instead of lazing about on a Sunday afternoon, woke up early, gathered together and started our day in anticipation for what was to come.


Things like:

We got to see John Force, up close, well kinda.  I'm not his hugest fan, but he is entertaining.

An absolutely gorgeous day.

American flag waving parachuters.  I have to say, he was coming in so fast, I really thought he was going to smack the ground, but he made a perfect landing.

And a lot of nitro.

Don't forget burning rubber.  Again, I feel like I should grunt.

You think regular gas prices are ridiculous.

I'm not sure if I like the funny cars, or these bad boys, better.

Never mind.  This one's my favorite.

Here's a snippet of what we experienced.  I wish I could capture the actual rumble you feel in your chest, but you just gotta experience it for yourself.


All in all, I'd say the day was practically perfect.


Hope your weekend was as bitchin' as mine was.
Marisa

Almost Done!

Today, my baby, my youngest, my only reason to call myself a stay at home mom, turns seventeen.  Seventeen, I can't even believe it myself, where has all the time gone?  Soon it will just be me, the old man and the animals.  I want to cry and celebrate at the same time.

Such a sweet little baby.  Wish I had picture, of the damage she did to my eyes.  Totally worth it though.

Such a sweet and innocent face.  Please don't fall for it.  She is Satan around this time.

That's not her beer.  She's more of a tequila kid.

She's a modern day hippy.  Except she takes more showers and gives hugs instead of take drugs.

And she's always got pizzazz.

She's a pretty big deal.  And she's mine.  And I'm glad.
Happy 17th Birthday Princess!

Mommy ♥